After Inner Harmony, I began taking every training I could with John and some with Desiree Rumbaugh and Sianna Sherman. The next year at IH John sat us down and told us that it was getting so big that he wasn’t going to be able to let everyone in trainings and retreats so he was going to focus on his teachers first. Well there was no way I was going to be kicked off the bliss bus so I decided right then that I would become an AY teacher. I started counting hours towards Affliation, but three weeks before I met the requirements he took it away so I skipped forward to work toward Certification. He told me personally that I could call my classes Anusara Inspired and had given others that permission and the Affiliated group was given two years to move into certification before Affiliation disappeared. Well when the two years came up he sent out the letter saying times up and also that none of us were allowed to use Anusara in our class names unless we were certified and licensed. By then I had applied and was starting the certification process, and had spent several years and tens of thousands of dollars. I wrote him and suggested that there be some interim option for people who had already applied and started certification. I equated it to getting a graduate degree and being ABD and teaching classes in a University. He wrote back immediately saying he couldn’t make an exception for me (not long after that he created Anusara Inspired licensing which at first was much easier to obtain than Affiliation but by then I thought that I was so close to being certified I didn’t bother). Anyway, the next time I saw him was in Atlanta and he was very snappish with me. He had delayed admitting me to Denver the following month and when I thanked him for letting me in he said “yeah I made you wait on that one”. In Atlanta he kept getting upset with me for not “trusting him” and “going with him” – I didn’t realize I had over-stepped my bounds by sending the email, but I do know he was always upset with me for not being able to soften in the poses and do the demos the way he wanted. He told this story about his mother that made me realize that he had no concept of why I had an inability to trust because my childhood was such a contrast to his. So when I got home I sent him an email with the intention of explaining my history as a way of letting him know why I behaved the way I did (verbally abusive alcoholic father, chronically depressed mother, seven siblings, started taking care of myself at around age 7, my parents divorced when I was 13 leaving me basically without parents, and I started supporting myself financially around age 15, and then as an adult having a special needs child which meant I had to be very consistent, clear and in charge all the time- I had no experience with trusting someone else or with softening- I was always just surviving). I did not ask for or expect any special treatment I just wanted to give him some perspective so he would hopefully cut me some slack and be patient with me until I learned to trust.

So in Denver 2005, John and I sat together waiting for Madori who was my assessor for my first video meeting and I mentioned the email which he had not read. When Madori arrived she thought my video was good and just had one comment. The next day, John’s attitude toward me softened completely- I think he read my email because he knelt down beside me during down dog and said “don’t worry I am going to help you”. After that he decided to watch my video himself and before long he had taken over assessing my certification process personally. It was an honor, but I had not asked for it. It was also an incredibly hard journey and having never been given that kind of attention in my life, I felt completely uncomfortable and unworthy of it- but I now see it was also part of my path to experience that. We sat and watched two of the five videos he required of me together, we talked on the phone about all five of the videos and in all those conversations he only gave me one compliment on my teaching and hours and hours of critique. I stayed present and took notes which he asked me to type out and send back to him. Meanwhile, he often referred to my mistakes publically in his teaching- one time in Tucson calling me out by name in front of 150-175 people telling me to tell them my sequencing errors on the video we had just watched. After he got the class into partnering, I ran to the bathroom to compose myself and he was waiting when I came out. Instead of asking for an apology, I graciously allowed it saying I know he uses everything to improve everyone’s teaching. In hindsight I seriously regret not telling him not to do that to me ever again because he took that as permission to walk on me publically (but this was another part of my lesson because I had a habit of letting men off the hook for treating me badly). I know that I did things that triggered him too. I had a bad habit of asking questions I already knew the answer to so that he would reframe or elaborate for the group- hazards of being an Asperger’s mom – I am hypersensitive to when someone doesn’t understand something and I re-frame my language. I was my son’s English to English translator for his entire life. I wanted us all to be on the same page and I was taking on too much responsibility for the group (co-dependency issues I have since learned to let go of).

The next time John and I saw each other in Denver May 2006 the week started great but mid-week he shut down towards me completely. Everything changed between us and I have no idea what happened or what I did wrong. I tried to speak with him about it but he avoided me. We finished the certification process together and I was certified in San Francisco on 1/12/07, at the group practice before Laura Christianson’s wedding. My AS son received his admissions letter to UNC CH that day also, so both of my dreams and goals came true the same day which was the day after my 46^th birthday. All I needed now was to get my son settled into UNC and then I could move forward to get out of my lonely and unhappy marriage.

I hope I haven’t lost you yet because I am getting to the part of my story I would like you to know. I took the therapy training in Tucson with John when he was getting sick and had to have some teachers sub in for him and take a break afterwards- we didn’t interact at all during that training except that I had asked if I could learn about assisting. He had me follow Sundari during the weekend workshop and take notes which I typed out and sent to him. The next time I saw John was September 2007 the first time he came to my area, but I was not the host. I had started my separation process telling my husband I wanted the marriage to end, but he had not moved out and life at home was traumatic to put it mildly. The weekend workshop with John was to have over 200 people in each segment and John had sent out an email attachment to us asking us to assist and instructing us on what to do. In this attachment he outlined how we were to assist by letting the students warm up and get moving before jumping in too quickly to help, verbal first then physical, and make sure that what we were assisting with was according to the instructions he was giving. He also asked that we all arrive an hour before the sessions to greet students and help align mats. So the very first session -the very first down dog I was walking through a group of my own middle aged students with my hands lightly held behind my hips and my heart open assessing the group and letting them get their bodies moving as he had said in the attachment and as Sundari had taught me. John yelled at me from about eight mats down “Patience, what are you doing with your hands behind your back like that- you never hold your hands like that- look at those two students’ down dogs (pointing at two of my 60+ year old women who had been intimidated to even come but came trusting me that they would be okay) those are terrible you need to help them”. He spent the entire weekend like that telling me what to do, drilling me with questions, having me demo handstand repeatedly and holding it several minutes each time determined that I would be able to show off the action he was asking me to do. Stacey and I (and Jaye Martin who was staying with me and riding with me) were the only ones who came an hour early and stayed between practices to line up mats. On Sunday morning, Stacey and I had helped arrange every mat. A few minutes before start time Kelly Haas walked in near me and I stepped over and asked her if there was anything she needed me to do- right as John walked in the room. He spat “Patience, follow me” and he walked me to the front of the room right past a group of teachers who were still holding their coffee and had just arrived. In the front corner of the room he proceeded to yell at me “what are you doing standing there talking- didn’t you see those mats out of order (a few people had come in when he walked by otherwise the room was in precise alignment) – you were supposed to be helping students”, I replied with tears running down my face “Stacey and I were the only ones who have been here every session arranging mats- all those other teachers (pointing to the group) just got here” he said “well you need to go and tell them what to do”. After he let me go, I ran out front to find a place to hide and cry. Then he called satsung and introduced the teachers and one of the hosts came out and found me. She was angry because John had asked for me and I wasn’t in there so he could compliment me publically, but then she saw me in hysterics and immediately hugged and comforted me.

This approach to me went on for several more events and it was affecting our local kula. Many of my students swore they would never go to another John Friend event. I did my best to steer clear but he continued to quiz me. I watched my Carolina colleagues- a group of some the most beautiful, articulate and intelligent people that I have had the pleasure to know- pause when asked a question and parrot back exactly the answer he wanted, but I never could bring myself to do that. My mind would not be tamed even though I knew my career as an Anusara teacher was going in the toilet. I watched them witness his treatment of me without speaking up and I remembered my father’s verbal abuse and intimidation as a child. If he attacked a sibling and any of the others of us defended them, then he would turn on us more brutally so we learned to be quiet and side with him. So I understood that no one could speak on my behalf or maybe they were so busy trying to be sure they did what they needed to do that they didn’t even notice the treatment I was getting (I wasn’t the only one but I was probably the worst). Either way, I understood and knew it was my lesson to learn (at the time I thought it was my fault but now I know it was just another opportunity to learn to stand up for myself). During this time, I started teaching an Immersion and also registered with YA for my E-RYT500 by collecting years of training documentation and grandfathering in. I was going through my divorce settlement and each day getting more empowered toward my independent future- but I was in the fire of transformation too.

Then in April 2008, John was scheduled to teach a teacher training and then weekend workshop in Columbia. I had planned to drive down on Friday for his Dharma talk and the weekend. The day before I was set to leave the bottom fell out of my life. I had a divorce settlement meeting with my husband and our lawyers in which he verbally attacked and ridiculed me, then I left and went on-line to immediately receive an emergency email from my son’s counselor saying he had a behavioral outburst there was a strong potential that he would be expelled from UNC CH, I got right on the phone to try to advocate and during the conversation an announcement was issued. They had found the body of a murdered young woman the day before and on that Thursday they identified her as Eve Carson the beloved student body president at UNC. The whole campus shut down and went into mourning. My son and I did not know Eve well but had met her and seen her speak on numerous occasions and knew her to be the most loving, kind, remarkable, selfless type of being that God ever places on this earth. My heart was ripped open and I wept unstoppably. I canceled my evening classes to get to my son and go to the vigil for Eve. I packed him up and brought him home a day early for spring break and talked with his counselor about working out what to do when things calmed down, later in the week.

Then Friday I jumped in the car and raced to Columbia seeking sanctuary – totally forgetting that John was not the same John for me anymore. When I arrived Friday night John and I had a good greeting and I introduced him to some students. I did not explain the events of the day before because I didn’t really feel it was necessary to involve my teacher in my personal life and frankly the opportunity wasn’t there. The next morning I was in side angle about 5-10 minutes into the practice and he came up behind me on my mat and said “now Patience you are already out of alignment” in a condescending tone and proceeded to rant for another thirty minutes or so about being mis-aligned. I couldn’t hold it together. Every opportunity I was out in the hallway crying. At the lunch break I went back to the home of a wonderful student who hosted me and considered packing up and leaving but she came home and made me lunch and tended to me sweetly. Such a small thing which provided me with so much great comfort- until then I was the one everyone else went to with their needs. Asking for my needs to be met was another thing I learned not to do growing up.

I realize this is a dramatically long story so please bear with me as I get to the point. After the weekend, many people were appalled at what transpired and my reactions. Many were very angry with John and several insisted I contact him and let him know not to treat me that way. Confrontation is not something I can handle, but Denver was coming up and I had to make a choice whether to invest my very tight finances in a costly trip. Paul was going to be there for the first time and of course it was my first CTG as a certified teacher and I wanted the honor, but I couldn’t handle the thought of another week with John. So wrote him an email. I will admit freely here that I totally used the wrong approach. I had let this go on so long and I was worried about the affect it was having on my local kula so I told him too much and too bluntly. I told him how others were reacting to his treatment of me. I told him about all the events that had occurred at the time of the Columbia trip and why I couldn’t keep it together. But most of all, I told him my finances were extremely tight now that I was separated and I didn’t want to spend that much money if he was just going to continue treating me the way he had been. So in other words Bernadette I finally spoke out. He wrote me a long reply the same day in which he suspended my Certification license for a year due to “bad studentship”. We continued our email interchange that day until we had an understanding and he said I could still come to Denver if I wanted. I declined but asked him if the students in my Immersion that he had personally given me permission to teach would still get their hours and he said yes. He had already contacted all my colleagues in the Triangle about my suspension but didn’t announce it publically. I emailed all my Carolina colleagues about what happened (CCing  John) and took ownership of my part in the situation and what I was meant to learn from it.

During my year of suspension I organized and taught a Yoga Alliance Certified RYT200 Teacher training separate from Anusara. I also took Paul’s EHS3 year-long study. John was aware of both choices and that I could survive without him and there were other teachers I could invest in, although I did not ever present this to him specifically. During that time he connected with YA and arranged to have Anusara Inspired count as RYT200 and Certification count as RYT500. He also started the Immersion and Teacher Training curriculum committees and started restricting who could teach programs. The only training I took with John that year was the first Grand gathering to see where we stood and if I would be allowed back in. It was clear that I was being tested again. I was very careful with every approach to John and so was he towards me. In January my certification was reinstated, but John continued to treat me sternly. Also during that time my injury occurred (the fall I told about in Bernadette’s post on Ross Rayburn) and became more and more chronic. In April 2009 when he came back to my area, I had emailed him in advance and told him about my fall and injury. In the teacher practice when he first arrived I had asked many questions about it and he told me what to do like hug the mid-line and also kept saying “you know this stuff, you know this”- like if I only would align then I would not be injured. He did say something about helping me after the practice, but it ran late and I had scheduled an appointment with Scott so I missed that opportunity. Then Sunday during the lunch break, I actually asked him point blank to help me. I had never asked for help in this way before, but I had been in so much pain for so long and all my knowledge was not changing that and I finally had to accept I couldn’t fix it myself. He told me to follow him and walked outside grabbing Kenny and a plate of food on the way. He led me to a blanket on the grass where all the certified teachers joined us and a group of my teacher trainees sat within ear-shot. Then he had me stand with my back to him and told Kenny about my landmarks for my mis-aligned pelvis. He told me to turn my hips to the right slightly and my inner body to the left and that was it. He did not even touch my body or check my SI or anything. Then he went into a monolog about my attitude in front of my colleagues and nearby students and I could do nothing but nod and take it in while holding back tears- my body was already screaming so now my heart got to join it.

So Ross, maybe you can understand a bit more why I couldn’t tell you how your assist in Denver a few weeks later affected me. You were the golden boy and you were hanging with John’s girlfriend and I was the one with the “bad attitude”.

It wasn’t until about three months later when I sent the x-rays proving my actual injury that John softened toward me. The next year in Columbia, April 2010 at the start of the weekend workshop, I told him about my pulled hamstring attachment. It was sort of ironic actually because when the practice started he called out “Patience, where’s Patience”. My body tightened but I raised my hand and he said “there you are the same place you were last time when I busted you”. But, he spent the entire weekend helping me make sure my hamstring was safe and giving me perks for keeping aligned. He came over and kicked up into handstands with me and I was a bit embarrassed by his attention, but knew it was his way of telling me he was sorry he didn’t help me sooner. Later in Satsung he told the group how he is harder on his teachers than new students. He told them how I had his respect because I did the work and continued to align. I know he was trying to make up for the perception they might have had especially since he reminded them of it earlier, but I was okay with it because I did not want anyone’s path to be affected by mine. I went there to make amends. At the last CTG in our area (NC May 2010) he was mostly easy with me and we had a brief chance to talk and connect. I was still struggling with the long term results of having let my injury go so long- my SI was going out constantly, I had sciatica and then during the weekend workshop my right psoas attachment tore slightly at T12 during a demo. During satsung I raised my hand and asked about the attachment and he worked on it while answering other questions and it was very wonderful and healed me dramatically. He did tell the group that my injury was partly because “I was so willful” but he said it lovingly and playfully and I appreciated getting his tender care at long last. The final training I had with John was in Park City in August on Sacred Geometry. We had a wonderful week and the energy between us was soft and good. We mostly left each other alone, but when we did interact it was with kindness and respect in both directions. I joked with him about some scars on my foot being like the square root of 2, 3 and 5 which he had been teaching and he laughed and told me he loved me (spontaneously, in the way a friend would).

About and month later we ran into each other in the Vegas airport as if we were just two friends who crossed paths. Then we exchanged emails over that and I told him I was there for a joyous family wedding which was so good because my father was passing so my family needed the mending. He gave me his sympathy and told me to let him know when Dad transitioned so he could pray for his soul. I didn’t have much of an adult relationship with my father, but four days before he transitioned I went up to PA to see him and say good-bye. He was as helpless as a newborn baby and was trying to figure out how to let his body go. I told him I loved him and that it was okay. He was blind by then and could barely speak but he turned to me and told me he loved me.

When this all happened in February, it stirred up the past trauma in me again. I needed to resign so that I could open my heart to John to forgive him and pray for his soul’s process. I needed the power dynamic to be over so that I could see him as a friend who was hurting from the path he followed, just like I have hurt from places on my path.  I already knew that our relationship as student and teacher had run its full course. I do not regret any bit of the journey I took or the price I paid to take it. I learned so much more than the UPAs and the philosophy and system of Anusara. Even though I knew by watching so many intelligent and articulate people perform for John that what he really wanted me to do was shut up, stop asking so many questions, just tell him what he wanted to hear . . .  My soul was never made to do that. He’s right, I am willful. I love that about me.

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I also talked about our co-participation and how we get to choose the messages grace offers and the direction we take. I sometimes joke from my own life experience about how if we get a message five times in one day we should listen to it, and how if we ignore it then no worries it will come back to us again. For me this can be reassuring but sometimes when I find myself challenged again and again with a similar circumstance that seems to be intended to teach me something in particular that I don’t seem to be learning, I can get into guessing and self-judgment about having to continue through that same cycle over and over.

Set-backs can even feel like punishment and pain from them feels deserved. But it is not, the Divine is benevolent and Grace is a gift. We don’t know all the answers, and sometimes we are completely innocent of failure but instead primed for deeper growth even at a price. We each receive the gifts we are offered in the moment and time we are most open to hear them. But the practice of forgiveness and not over analyzing these insights, being aware that sometimes stuff just happens regardless what we do, allows us to grow and come back to a place of gratitude where we can continue receiving and practicing loving kindness instead of over-efforting and hardness. The opportunity for that practice may be the biggest gift we were being offered to begin with, not a result of our actions to teach us a lesson but a sweet blessing reminder that we are perfect and ever expanding all at the same time.

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In Anusara the first principle is Open to Grace which by nature is the practice of allowing- just opening. But it also doesn’t mean we don’t take action. We act in a balanced way and let the breath and the Universal energy lead us. We co-participate to feel our connection to consciousness and allow the bliss to envelop us. In yoga asana class, we take the pose and align it in the first few breaths but then there is a point when we practice staying and allowing and not over-efforting but also not collapsing. We use balanced action between engaging the muscles and lengthening the bones, between expanding the inner body and allowing the skin to soften. We stay in the breath and open to something bigger and that is when the transformation takes place, physically, spiritually and mentally and we are empowered through our connection to the heart. This exact practice that helps us to create strong, flexible and supple bodies is what teaches us to focus and direct our energy clearly and with intention off the mat. We learn to pause and breathe and we begin to co-participate with life in a way that is sweet, easy and blissful.

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 These elements complement each other just like the principles do.  Too much water puts out the fire and too much fire evaporates the water- we need just enough inner and outer spirals to balance.  Earth grounds air and air lifts earth in proper balance they are so good together.  The elements are part of our make-up as human beings.  People with a lot of earth element are grounding, steady, reliable.  You know you can depend on them.  Water people go with the flow and blend well with everything.  Water has perseverance though to carve through stone.  Fiery people are driven and have intense intellects.  You know you can count on them to get the job done.  Whereas air based people are lighthearted fun and optimistic.  Earthy people can really appreciate how air people lift their moods while air based people feel more grounded around earthy friends.  Fiery people feel calmer around the water types, who get more motivated with their fiery, energetic friends around.   We all have the potential to cultivate all of these elements when needed so we can sooth a friend in need or jump into action, play and have fun but still be practical about life matters.  We all can cultivate spaciousness as we learn to remember the Universal in all things always.

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There are nine categories of rasas.  Last week we talked about Ayurveda and the doshas (please see the last blog if you missed class).  Each of the three doshas is connected to three sets of rasas.  So picture this like a table with three rows and three columns.  The rows are the doshas; vata, pitta and kapha.  The first column is concealment rasas, the way we may feel when we are cloaked from seeing the Divine within ourselves.  The column on the other side is revelation rasas, the way we may feel when we are fully connected to consciousness.  The middle column lists the gateway rasas, they help us step from concealment to revelation. 

When Kapha gets imbalanced emotionally it causes depression, the concealment rasa Vibhatsa, meaning disgust, repugnance, self-loathing, or depression.  When Kapha is balanced the revelation rasa is Shanta; peace, calmness, fulfillment, contentment and relaxation.  The gateway to get us from depression to peace (the middle column) is Karuna; compassion, pity, sadness, heaviness of loss.  Sadness is less dark then depression, a step towards the light.   The rasa for pitta concealment is Raudra; anger, fury, irritation, violence, hostility or rage.  The revelation rasa of pitta is Shringara; love, desire, devotion, Divine beauty or admiration.  To get from rage to love the gateway rasa for pitta is Vira; courage, heroism, confidence, pride, or fiery disappointment, which is less dark than rage.  When vata is in concealment the  rasa is called Bhayanka; fear, worry, anxiety, distress, or paranoia.  Balanced vata brings the revelation rasa, Hasya; joy, humor, comic happiness, satire or exuberance.  The gateway rasa to get from fear to joy is, Adbhuta; wonderment, curiosity, astonishment, or thrill of mystery.

The asana practice (doing yoga poses) is like a laboratory to experience the rasas and practice the gateways to the heart.  Learning handstand often creates fear in students, but curiosity and wonderment cause us to try.  When we move past the fear and kick up, we feel great joy.  Deep hip openers can invoke anger, if not at first try staying longer it will start to burn.  Courage to stay with the breath and in the pose, reveals the light of love.  Self loathing is often the biggest hindrance to success in asana.  We easily judge our performance in a pose but it is that judgment that keeps us in concealment.  When we use compassion as a gateway, we find deep peace and our practice grows with each breath.

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There are three doshas, or constitutions, we each have some of each but in different proportions.  Knowing your constitution helps you to direct your choices to stay more balanced.  Vata dosha is based on the element of air.  People who have a predominance of Vata are often light framed, agile, light hearted, optimistic and joyous.  However, when vata is out of balance then emotionally it can cause fear and anxiety, and inability to focus one’s thoughts.  Physically, vata imbalance causes drying and crackling joints, constipation and dry skin.  Pitta dosha is based on the fire element.  Pitta dominant people tend to be medium build and strong.  They are driven and accomplished and have sharp intellects.  However, when Pitta is imbalanced it emotionally leads to anger or rage.  Physically, Pitta imbalance leads to redness and outbreaks in the skin, fiery indigestion and diarrhea.  Kapha dosha is based on water and earth.  People with lots of Kapha tend to be larger framed, have long endurance and strong memories.  They are grounded, reliable, nurturing and calm.  However, when kapha is out of balance it emotionally causes depression and an inability to act.  Physically, kapha imbalance leads to mucous related issues like sinusitis and bronchitis; it also leads to weight gain. 

Balancing the doshas has to do with the foods we eat and our daily routines as well as being aware of the pulsation of the doshas according to seasons, times of day and life periods.  For instance, late spring and summer are hot making Pitta more susceptible to imbalance.  Fall is dry which can really mess up Vata balance.  Winter and early spring are cold and wet causing Kapha dominant people to really want to lay around a hibernate.  Awareness of your constitutional make-up and knowledge and practice of how to stay in balance help us to lead more radiant healthful joyous lives.  (Please check the events page for more information about the Ayurveda workshop to learn more).

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There are two aspects to the Divine, Shiva and Shakti.  Again they cannot be separated, they are intertwined.  Shiva is Absolute consciousness, like a steady grounding force.  Shakti is the creative energy that pulsates from the Absolute.  So if you were to say the sun is Shiva, then the light and the heat emanating from the sun are Shakti.  In the sacred geometry symbols, Shiva is represented by the triangle with the point facing upward, and Shakti the triangle with the point facing downward so the flat side is up.  As an artist, I first viewed these as representations of the masculine Shiva, with the point upward like the phallic.  Shakti the Divine feminine, the triangle appears as the vessel which represents, in art, the mother, the womb.  This interpretation can be thought as denoting the union of the masculine and the feminine in the Universal dance of consciousness (chit) and bliss (ananda).  As I studied more, I learned that the upward facing point of the Shiva triangle represents the One who out of its pure freedom chooses to expand itself into the multiplicity –the triangle getting wider at the base as it expands to the many, the manifest world.  The downward facing, Shakti triangle starts where we each are as the individual point at the base and in our journey toward the Absolute consciousness, we expand from limited states into our more infinite potential.  We practice yoga as a way to connect deeper to these two aspects; consciousness- a knowing of our own true natures, and bliss- the pure joy that comes from being embodied aspects of the Divine.  Yoga poses let us celebrate both aspects by using both a steady abiding awareness and a sweet, fluid, joyful expression

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So as tantrikas, we know that tamas has a place when we want to get heavy and dark for a deep restful sleep or to heal from illness. However, too much tamas for an extended time will lead us to depression and darkness.  Rajas is absolutely necessary in a short term emergency situation.  When someone veers into our lane on the highway nearly hitting us we need to react fast and move or brake to get out of the way.  We may think rajas is good for high-productivity but too much rajas will make us unable to focus our thoughts to get anything accomplished.  Sattva leads us into a state of clarity so that we can focus and make clear conscious decisions that are life-enhancing and benevolent.  It helps us to connect more deeply to the Divine that is supporting us and find more joy in life.  However even Sattva can go too far, there are times when we seek a constant state of bliss to the exclusion of all else and that could lead to inability to function in our daily lives. 

Each of the gunas has a place and time even in different parts of our day.  We do primarily seek a clear balanced state but also accept that the heaviness and the frenetic energy are gifts in the proper situations.  One more note about these states.  When we find ourselves in the blackness of tamas, we cannot go directly to sattva.  We have to get active.  It is rajas that brings us to a place where we can find balance again, from rajas to sattva.  This is why the asana practice leads us back to the path of the heart again and again.

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This concept of concealment (nigraha) and revelation (anugraha) is part of the flow of Grace that provides us contrast and insight.  In yoga, we hear the phrase “be present” or “be in the moment”.  The term vinyasa means moment to moment awareness.  However, in the tantric view although we do practice following the breath with moment to moment awareness, we also know that looking back provides us revelation and empowers our future progress on this path.  Sometimes when we are in the middle of something that cloaks us in concealment, like illness or loss, we don’t see the reason for this happening in our lives.  We feel like we are in darkness and may even begin to forget that we are always supported by a Divine benevolent energy.  It is only after moving through the challenge that we are able to look back see what Grace had in mind for us, what we learned from the experience.  We see how we were actually stronger or more resourceful than we knew ourselves to be.  We are reminded that people love us and are there for us.  We acknowledge that we learned new skills and fortitude that took us through the struggle we faced safely back into the light.  This way, when concealment comes again, we can step in knowing that is it part of the Universal pulse and that we can move through it and expand again.  We willingly step in to life fully and take our paths to the highest conceivable place for us, savoring even the challenging moments because we know that is where the greatest gifts are found.

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With Valentine’s Day approaching, our minds turn to love and affection.  There are four levels of relationship and as we practice opening to these levels we open our hearts more deeply and have a greater connection to everything.  The first level is Mitri which means friendship.  This is what we experience with people we care about including love relationships.  This is fairly natural we simply love, honor and respect them, although there are times we forget and take them for granted so we do still need to practice.  The next is mudita which is a practice of sharing the joy of another’s success.  Sometimes this is difficult because we may feel envy, especially if we were hoping for a similar success which was not received.  However, in doing this practice we open our energy to receive joy and feel joyful.  We line ourselves up with that energy and it will find us and spread to others as well.  The third is karuna, compassion.  In this practice, we feel compassion for someone who is suffering in some way.  We take the time to think about them with tenderness and hope.  We might even visit or contact them to give our support.  In this way, we cultivate consideration for others and appreciation for our own fortunate life.  The last level of relationship is called Upeksha which means equanimity or taking a broad perspective.  This would be a situation in which someone challenges us in some way, they know how to push our buttons or tend to offend us.  The practice here is not to accept their behavior or even to keep them in our lives, but to let go of judgment about them for it.  To realize we don’t have the full picture of their experience and why they behave as they do.  To accept they are human and therefore on a journey which like ours may mean making mistakes and learning. 

As we look at these four levels, we may see that these don’t necessarily apply to four different people but one relationship could at times carry all four levels.  In fact, we even need to practice these levels with ourselves.  We practice loving and honoring ourselves, celebrating our own joyous events, having compassion when we are not doing or feeling well, and most of all accepting that we are human and make mistakes.  We don’t have to beat ourselves up, but we can learn from them and grow.  When we do this, not only do we feel happier but we model this to the people we love and everyone lives more intimate loving full lives.

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